Scared to sleep

If only i wear 16 again.

I feel like an old male
when he first steps out of jail
free as fuck, but im scared my ass will fail
I wanna bail and will, on this life ive built
but i think ill just hand around until i get killed
A will that will carry the weight, you're to weak to take
but still you approach me like you're speaking to mates
the breaks of face aint nothing worth discussing brothers
but i was given the gift to view the hearts of others
take your memories and pain entwine them with mine
but like green miles theyll just make me wanna fuckin die
I maintain because everytime i feel im on the edge
A voice inside my head says im good to no one dead
but when i hit the bed, then i dread what happens next
tubes in my neck, padded walls right and left
i scream in this dream jumping off vanilla skies
to see before i hit the ground if i open my eyes

This tension inside, cant be cut with a knife
Sleep is the cousin of death, but the brother of life
So although i have to sleep, i lie awake at night
and fear my eyes shut tight, for the last time


Another night, another retrovision im living
an admission to prison, thieves fishin for clues that lead to a conviction
me hitting the boose, but feet is what im missin
pass out, leads my thoughts to my nightmare
a world closing in, with a surface quite bare
me wondering around looking for the fucking answer
a metaphor to life or my version of a cancer
I dance to the tune in tune to my doom
a stance of a groom waiting for a life of gloom
these vision are preposterous choking my esophagus
or rather really thoughts deep within my subconsciousness
A monstrous mistake, weight lifted when i wake
how much will it take til my mind state breaks?
tonight i sleep with the lights on, cos the fights on
and the only thing that stops it is when i right songs


This tension inside, cant be cut with a knife
Sleep is the cousin of death, but the brother of life
So although i have to sleep, i lie awake at night
and fear my eyes shut tight, for the last time

I quite like this song

Not sure what to write

More and more i find myself starting blog posts and never finishing them nor posting them. I don't really know what to say anymore. I have no idea what's going on in my head anymore and I feel like I'm losing touch with myself as each day passes. I took drugs for the first time in a long time last night. Not sure why, could partially explain the sentence before it though. I'm eating Vita-Weats dipped in pasta sauce. It reminds me of my peanut butter and thousand island dressing experimental sandwich I ate a couple of weeks ago. Although this combination is far less disgusting for some reason. Too much pasta sauce is cloying though. Before I was thinking that I had done nothing with my day, then I remembered even though I never left the house I probably learned more today than a lot of other people. Today's learning covered the topics including but not limited to: heavy water, deuterium, the Sudbury neutrino observatory, Muons and Leptons in general, Tritium, Cherenkov Radiation, Curium, Antiferromagnetism, Paramagnetism, Unbinilium, Ununennium, Neutrino oscillation, Bamboo, Bamboo used as scaffolding, Various Test cricket stats, Sachin Tendulkar, Jack Hobbs, South Africa, Hustle & Flow, Three 6 Mafia, An entire ebook about The elder scrolls and the 2011 VGA nominations.

Is this a waste of life?

Yeah im kind of slack at the moment

I am here.

Nights like this make it so much easier to discern those that are actual friends and those that arent worth worrying about.

Okay, so finally after bitching and whining for so long about wordpress.com I have finally decided to start posting on blogger/blogspot again. There will probably be a lot of reposts in the coming days but either deal with it or don't read this blog.

Anyway, I did this the other day after painting for a couple of hours and getting nowhere. Basically if i spend a lot of time on something and it looks crap then i just write some words and call it art.

What else. Oh right, can't wait for the next episode in a week or so.